An Announcement: Three years later.
Exactly three years ago today, we shared this photo and announced we were pregnant with Aria. This year as I carry her little brother, this anniversary has brought me a full range of emotions.
It reminds me just how much I wish she could be here. I wish I could watch her happily walk into our room at the hospital and meet her brother. I wish I could tell her to be gentle as I help her hold him for the first time. I know she would be so excited.
It also reminds me just how quickly joy can become grief. Just 14 weeks after announcing our first pregnancy, we were holding our newborn in our arms as she took her last breaths. I’m so afraid that we will have to walk down a similar path with her little brother. I’m terrified honestly. I don’t know how I ever found the strength to try again after losing Aria, or how I’ve emotionally managed to make it through these 17 weeks of pregnancy, or how I’ll make it the remaining 22 or so weeks until he’s in my arms. Somehow, I seem to keep making it through each day with just enough hope that everything will be ok.
This week, I found an incredible deal on diapers, and I excitedly bought as many as I could get my hands on. I felt so proud and accomplished as I checked out at the store. Yet as I brought them into the house, I began to panic that these diapers would end up as another addition to my collection of baby items never used. I was so sure it was a smart move in the moment, and suddenly I felt so foolish for being that confident before we had even done our anatomy scan. Then my sister wisely said, “We may not know what the future holds, but don’t rob yourself of today’s happiness just because you can’t predict the future.”
And this reminds me of how grateful I was that we didn’t know what the future would hold for Aria three years ago. We loved and bonded with her without any hesitation. She became the center of our worlds in an instant. I am so grateful that I could carry her with such positivity. Even after all that has happened, I don’t regret buying her dozens of pink onesies, or setting her crib up early, or planning out our lives with her. We did as parents do. We love our children.
As my husband reminded me last night - all we can do is prepare our crops for rain and see if it comes.