It’s been two years since I bought these little yellow boots. Brian loved his yellow boots as a kid, and when I saw them I had to get them. It’s been painful at times, looking at them for so long, wondering if there would ever be little feet to fill them. It has been so good to have hope that there will be soon.
Prayers for tomorrow would be immensely appreciated. We have our first prenatal ultrasound at 8 AM. To say I’m nervous about it is a huge understatement. I have often wished I could cancel it to be honest.
The last few days I’ve been able to really relish in the ignorance in not knowing what is currently happening in my womb. But tomorrow morning I can’t do that. Each ultrasound forces me to come face to face with the reality that either this pregnancy is either progressing appropriately or that it isn’t. For my greatly bruised and battered heart, it feels extraordinarily overwhelming.
When I look at the numbers and how things have gone so far, I have no reason not to believe there are really good chances that things will be fine. I’m even feeling the telltale first trimester exhaustion and occasional bouts of nausea. But this is what pregnancy after loss looks like. It’s the inability to shake the fear that what has happened before will happen again.
So we are praying that we feel God’s presence no matter what tomorrow brings, and we praise Him for even allowing us to come this far with this precious little baby. Every moment of this pregnancy is such a gift. Grateful doesn’t even begin to describe it.