Back to square one.
(Pictures at the end of post.)
Yesterday marked nine months since Aria’s birth. This monthly anniversary was made even more difficult, because it was also the day we took apart her nursery.
Before I begin to explain my feelings surrounding all of this, I want to say a huge “thank you” to all of the people who supported, encouraged, and lamented with us yesterday. The weight of the day was lightened by your love, and we are so grateful.
It’s such a difficult thing to dismantle a nursery that has never been used. As I took each little onesie, dress, and sleeper off the hanger and placed them into a cardboard box, I thought about how symbolic it all was; packing the 12 month clothing she would never need, nor the six month, not even a single newborn onesie. So many milestones never met. So much to be missed as we endure a lifetime without her.
I listened to my husband’s frustrations as he dismantled her crib, all while remembering the jokes about entering fatherhood that were said when he put it together almost one year ago. The stark contrast between those two moments stung my aching heart.
As I look into this barren room that was once adorned with pink, the words, “back to square one” come to mind. Our home now looks exactly the way it did when we moved in as a couple, and yet we aren’t just a couple. It’s a confusing place to be.
And it hurts, oh how it hurts.
Her room. Gone. Never to be seen again. Just like so many other things I have unfairly had to part with long before I was ready.
It all reminds me just how much I miss her. I miss the anticipation and excitement she brought to our lives. I miss the days when I didn’t constantly wonder how much more I was going to lose.
But at the end of the day, as I told my sister about taking apart her room, she reminded me that we were doing this because we are going on another adventure, and we were not leaving Aria behind. Even still, she comes with us. Everywhere. Always.
“I carry your heart with me. I carry it in my heart.” – E.E. Cummings
Happy Nine Month Birthday, Aria. We love you so very much.