Checking in: 5 and a half months later
I tend to talk a lot about specific events, memories, and topics or thoughts related to life after infant loss. One thing I’ve realized that I don’t do very often is explain where I currently am in this journey. I wanted to give you a little more insight into my daily life, and how I’m processing things five and a half months after Aria’s passing.
This phase of my journey feels a lot more consistent, and slightly more predictable. The first few months post loss were filled with so many extremes. I was either immensely happy or completely consumed with sadness. There was no middle ground. It felt as if I woke up in a scorching dessert, and only few hours later, I would find myself in the middle of a blizzard. It wasn’t a very comfortable place to be in, and it was ever changing.
As time went on, I noticed the happier moments seemed to last a little longer, and the sadness became a little more manageable.
Then suddenly over the course of a week, all the joy I had built back into my life felt like it was completely ripped out from under me. This was triggered by a few things, but I think the icing on the cake was a bit of disappointing news we received from my doctor. The days that followed were some of the ugliest and darkest times of my life. For a moment, I completely stopped caring for myself and felt like I was back at square one. I totally fell apart and started shutting down.
It has been almost three weeks since then, and while rebuilding has been a very slow process, my life has started to return to equilibrium. I feel pretty steady, and sometimes that makes me feel a little numb because I had gotten so used to living with such extreme emotions. But now, instead of constantly switching between two extremes, there is a constant undercurrent of sadness that flows through me. It doesn’t necessarily negate all of my happy moments, but I can feel a slight bitterness in everything I do.
There are still overwhelming moments, and I cry almost every day. Yet I’ve found that those bursts of intensity aren’t completely debilitating like they once were. They seem to press the reset button and provide me with a small surge of strength.
I know I still need to work on interacting with the world a little more – I spend a bit too much time in solitude. But I am also attempting to overcome a lot of anxiety, while still guarding my heart. It’s ok to put a little distance between myself and potentially difficult situations, but I’m also constantly challenging myself to overcome something every day. Baby steps (or Aria steps as we often call them) are the key to moving forward without getting too discouraged.
Overall though, I would say the process of mending this broken heart is underway. Yes, I’m still deeply hurt by the loss of my daughter and always will be, but I am still happy in a lot of ways. There aren’t many words to accurately describe this place I’m in, so it’s a little hard to fully explain. This process is so fluid, and impossible to put into a few simple words. However, If I had to simplify it all, I guess I would say that I’m doing well, just not all the way.
I will also say this – I love and miss my sweet girl more and more each day. That is one thing that has only grown in intensity, and always will.
Finally, before I end this post I would like to say a quick thank you to my sweet friends, who got me out of the house this week for lots of laughs and good times. But most of all – for always letting me talk about Aria and reminding me that I am more than enough. It means so much more than you know.