(This letter was drafted in October of 2016, but was not immediately published. I wanted to wait until we were ready to share the news we were planning to grow our family before sharing this letter. As our countdown to IVF gets closer and closer, it finally feels like the right time.)
I went to the doctor today, and for the first time since the day you were born nine months ago, I was told it was safe for me to become pregnant again. It was really overwhelming to hear that my body had finally recovered. To be honest, those were the words I really wanted to hear, but they brought so many unexpected emotions. The biggest was guilt, and an overwhelming desire to run to you and explain myself.
Sweet girl, I want you to know that no matter how many babies grow in my womb, you will always be equally loved. Your place in this family will never disappear, and you will always belong. A million babies would never be able to replace you, for you were uniquely made, and rarer than the most flawless of diamonds. Your life will always hold great value.
We aren’t choosing to have another baby to take your place. It isn’t because you aren’t enough for us. You are more than enough. But your Dad and I both share a feeling I often refer to as “empty arms syndrome.” My body grew you, my motherly instincts developed and intensified with every passing day. Your Dad put together your crib, and helped hang pictures in your nursery. We prepared for you, hoped for you, and prayed for you. We talked about all the things we wanted to do with you, our sweet firstborn baby girl. We created a lifetime of hopes and dreams. We envisioned our future as parents and all the wonderful opportunities parenthood would bring.
Then, our plans changed in ways we never imagined. When you left this world, all of our hopes and dreams remained but held so much emptiness. We wanted a baby to hold, but all we had left were memories and heartache.
We are choosing to have another baby because our hopes of parenting a child on this earth still remain. We have so much love to give, and so much energy for changing diapers, fussy temper tantrums, and late nights spent rocking a sleepy baby. We had always known you were going to be the first of several little “rosebuds”, so in some way this is still a part of the plan.
This decision is not without guilt, both for you, and for our future child. I ache because I don’t want you to have to share my love with anyone else. I don’t want you to feel left out, or like you aren’t as important to us anymore. But I think about your future sibling and I feel guilty that he or she will be born into a home that has seen so much heartache. I can’t say I’m going to be the mom who walks through pregnancy without fear. I’m already a nervous wreck. But I do know that those nerves come from a place of deep love, and an overwhelming desire to protect my child. In some ways, I think the path you have placed us on will allow us to give your siblings a love we never would have known before we had you.
As long as I live, you will live within me. This is not moving on, nor is it leaving you behind. You will always be along for the ride.
And the sweetest part of all is that deep down, I know you wouldn’t let your siblings pass through heavens gate’s on their way to us without showering them with kisses and hugs. So I want to thank you in advance for loving them first.
All my love, Mom