December 23, 2015

Today’s post is a retelling of the events of this day, exactly two years ago.

We woke up the day before Christmas Eve with a game plan. Brian would come home from work early so he could accompany me to my appointment with the fetal specialist to check on Aria’s development and make sure her tumor wasn’t getting any bigger. It had already increased in size once, but everyone was fairly confident that it would stop growing and become less of an issue as Aria continued to grow in the womb. There were still concerns, but mostly there was hope.

We were planning on leaving Florida and flying to Maryland early the next morning (Christmas Eve), to spend the holiday with our families and return just before the New Year. Since Aria’s condition is researched and treated most often at the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP), and because we would already be on the east coast visiting family for Christmas, our team agreed it would be a good idea to set up a consult with them during our trip. So we made an appointment at CHOP on Dec. 28, 2015, perfectly squeezed in before our flight back to Florida a few days later. It would be helpful to have them be familiar with us, and Aria’s specific case if she got worse and needed more intensive care at birth. This was still mostly a precaution, as we were continuously assured that based on statistics of other babies with her condition, Aria would be just fine.

With our schedule jam packed with doctors appointment’s with Fetal specialists and my OB/GYN over the last few weeks, we had been too frazzled to pack or shop for Christmas gifts. So I spent the first half of the day scrambling to finish off my Christmas list, not an easy task with a large pregnant belly in the way. When Brian got home, and it was time to head to my appointment I still had a few things left to buy. Luckily, the hospital was across the street from the mall so planned to make a pit stop there right after.

We were the last appointment of the day before the office shut down for Christmas Eve & Christmas. You could feel the excitement in the air as the staff started to close up the office. They just had to do our ultrasound, and we could all get on with our holiday festivities.

The ultrasound started off very routine, she let us listen to Aria’s heartbeat which was nice and strong. She gave us a good side profile of her face, and she was adorable as ever. Then she scanned her belly, and I saw her write a word that I had recognized from an online support group for babies with Aria’s diagnosis, “ascites.” My heart sank, suddenly this was looking like the worst case scenario we never imagined would happen. She remained calm, and said the doctor would be in shortly to explain our images.

As she walked out of the room and the door shut behind her, I looked at Brian and said, “She has hydrops.” Always the optimist he responded, “You don’t know that, we don’t know what we are looking at. Just wait for the doctor.” Then I told him I saw her write ascites, and what that word meant – she had fluid in her belly.

Before that conversation could continue, Dr. W walked in. “So tell me what you already know about the baby’s condition.” This seemed like an odd question, but I replied with everything I had been told. He nodded, then grimaced, then tried to hide the concern on his face. I could tell he was fumbling with his words in his head. He confirmed my suspicions, Aria was showing signs of hydrops. “Do you still have that appointment in Philadelphia?” “Yes.” “Good. When is it?” “The 28th.” He grimaced again. “We might need you to get there sooner. We might need you to go now.” He asked the ultrasound tech to call the Children’s Hospital of Philadelphia (CHOP), so he could speak with a fetal specialist there and get their opinion. In the meantime, he brought us into a consultation room next to the nurses station. As we were walking into the room, a nurse informed Dr. W that CHOP is an hour ahead of our time zone and their offices had already closed. She didn’t know if we would get ahold of anyone.

This is when chaos erupted around us. Every nurse was told to grab a phone and start dialing until they found someone. This was the moment I fully understood the seriousness of the situation. We didn’t have time. It couldn’t wait. We listened to the frantic clicking of the buttons on the phones in the lobby, and after fifteen minutes of this it felt like we were fighting a losing battle. Then a nurse shouted, “Dr. W, I got a cell phone number for Dr. K in Philadelphia!”

Relief washed over me. Hope returned. Now we were getting somewhere. Dr. W called Dr. K and I could hear them coming up with a plan. Brian assured me everything would be fine, we now had a very experienced doctor in Philadelphia on our side.

Dr. W finally came into the consultation room to inform us of their plan. We needed to get an injection of steroids, because in previous studies it had been shown to reverse hydrops and prevent these tumors from becoming any larger. He explained that the injections are given in two parts, and they need to be done 24 hours apart. So once we got the first one, we had to be in Philadelphia within 24 hours for the second injection. It was currently 6 PM. Our flight was scheduled to arrive in Baltimore the next day at 1pm, so we had plenty of time to drive to Philadelphia in time for the next injection. Everything was falling into place.

After receiving the first dose, we decided to grab dinner at Olive Garden. We ordered way too much food because both of us were feeling incredibly stressed and needed to eat our feelings. As we ate, I suddenly felt like I couldn’t inhale as deeply or lean all the way forward because something was in the way. Then it dawned on me, Aria’s feet had reached my ribs. I marveled at this little developmental milestone, and took it as a good sign that despite her challenges she was still growing like a weed. Our little fighter was going strong.

By the time we completed our Christmas shopping at the mall and made the hour drive back to our house, it was nearly 11 PM. We had to be up at 4 AM for our flight the next day, and neither of us had packed our suitcases. We were both ready to crawl into bed and cry ourselves to sleep, but we had to get this done. So we started to pack, and this was when I lost it.

I grabbed a few maternity shirts, and started trying to decide how many I should bring. Suddenly I realized I didn’t know how long I would be in Philadelphia. I didn’t even know if I would be coming back before Aria was born. Should I pack regular clothes too, so I would have things to wear while Aria is in the NICU? I started grabbing armfuls of clothes from our closet and tossing them into my suitcase, and once it was totally full every ounce of heartache and fear that I had been suppressing over the last five weeks bubbled over and poured out me. I struggled to see through the hot tears pouring down my face as sobs escaped my lips. This whole situation was terrifying. How could this be happening?

Brian held it together as he consoled me, then helped me finish packing. The pack and play we got for Aria had arrived in the mail that afternoon, and we quickly set it up next to our bed so she would have a place to sleep that was close to us when she finally came home. Then we finally poured ourselves into bed. As I drifted off, I thought to myself, “This day has surely been the hardest day of my entire life.”

I didn’t know then that I would be repeating that thought many times over the next few days.