Entering Aria’s season for a second time.
In less than two weeks, it will be two years since I held the positive pregnancy test that changed my entire world in my hands. It’s crazy to think that at this time two years ago, Aria was already an embryo, a collection of cells multiplying at rapid speed. Already a tiny human, already so loved.
And this means we are about to enter what I often refer to as “Aria’s season.” The coming months are going to be extra hard I’m sure, just as they were last year. There are just so many memories and anniversaries. In the coming months I’ll find myself thinking, “On this day two years ago…” over and over again.
Thankfully, we still have a few months of blissful memories before the painful and crushing ones arrive; starting with November 19th (the day Aria was diagnosed with CCAM) and ending with January 2nd (the day Aria took her last breaths). But even the happy memories ache these days. The bitterness in knowing that our joyful moments of life with Aria were fleeting makes it hard to remember them as purely as they happened. I miss being able to feel that joy the most.
But I am still so grateful for that sweet little baby who was growing inside of me two years ago. She gave me so much in her twenty six weeks and three days on earth. She showed me what it truly felt like to give boundless love, and feel relentless joy. She was grace, she was hope, she was everything. This ache I carry every day is such a small price to pay for the privilege of being her mother.
I am doing my very best to enter this season with hope and purity in my heart but to be honest, it is proving to be quite a challenge. With the agony of it being so long since I held our daughter in my arms, and our current fertility struggles, I’m feeling so overwhelmed and bitter. My heart wishes so much that everything could be different, and that Aria’s life here could have lasted longer than a season. If only, if only.