Fighting the fear of forgetting.
I told Brian recently that I felt like I was starting to leave Aria behind. Despite his accurate rebuttal that I could never, and would never move on from her, I can’t help but feel the mama guilt from time to time.
I hate that sometimes I’ll get so caught up in life that I realize I haven’t cried in weeks. It makes me feel like I’m forgetting, because crying feels like grieving, and grieving feels like remembering.
I used to say I couldn’t wait to get to the part where things wouldn’t hurt so bad, and now that I’m here, I regret wishing for this because it makes me feel like I’m neglecting Aria’s memory.
I’m not “over it” or “moving on” but the waves of grief come fewer and farther between these days. It’s extremely bittersweet for me.
Now that we’re investing so much of our energy into preparing for IVF, and potentially bringing home another baby, I’m so concerned that we are leaving Aria in the dust. All I want to do is scoop my sweet firstborn into my arms and hold her tight. Instead, I hold her legacy in my heart and keep pressing forward. I know it’s what she wants me to do. At least, that’s what I’m really hoping.