• Kim

Our baby’s anatomy scan is in 2 days.

Sleep is becoming elusive as my anxiety ramps up in preparation for Thursday. Last night I kept drifting in and out of a very light sleep. Baby boy had a few bursts of activity throughout the night, and I was happy to be awake for those. The tension in my chest loosens briefly every time I feel him moving.

I’ve been flashing back to Aria’s anatomy scan a lot lately, remembering the silence of the technician as she scanned her lungs. The beeping sound each time she took a picture. The long wait before the doctor came in and told us what they saw. The way my knees gave out from under me as I cried on our way to the car.

I told Brian that I should probably warn them beforehand that it’s not their fault if I break down in the middle of it. I’m so scared to watch them labeling body parts and wondering if each of them have formed properly. What will I do when I see the words “Right Lung” pop up on the screen? Just the thought makes my eyes water. I don’t know why having a healthy baby feels so impossible to me. Statistically, we are overwhelmingly more likely to be carrying a healthy baby than not. My doctors have told me time and time again that we are capable of having healthy babies. Why can’t that be enough to quell my fears?

But there are moments when I wonder, what if I actually get to give birth to a healthy, screaming baby? Brian and I talked yesterday about the things we look forward to about him being here, and they’re all so simple yet profound if you know our story. Brian is most excited to see him open his eyes and watch him breathe on his own. I am most excited to hear his cry and see him move his arms and legs. All things we never experienced with our daughter. Things we’ve spent years dreaming of and longing for.

As I type this, baby boy has started kicking and I feel instantly grounded. This little one reminds me that he is here, and he is strong. As Aria’s doctor at CHOP once said, “The kid always runs the show.” And just as we had to trust that Aria would take us down whatever path she was meant to take, so will her brother. We are simply here to love and nurture him along the way. Lead on, sweet boy.

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