Infertility and Loss: Revelations from the broken road.
Lately, I’ve really been struggling with my emotions, especially fear, about transferring one of our embryos. I’m afraid my body will fail me. I’m afraid my body will fail our embryo. I’m afraid of loss hitting our family a third time. I’m afraid of falling in love with a baby, and then being forced to say goodbye again.
I’ve already prepared a space in my heart for Aria’s sibling, and that space aches with longing. I’ve been praying for another baby for almost two and a half years. It’s been such a long, hard road. I’ve had to plaster smiles on my face and walk into work while I was miscarrying my second pregnancy and tell people I had a great weekend. I have had to pick myself up month after month when the pregnancy tests were negative. I’ve had to fork over so much money on failed treatment cycles. I’ve had to pretend I was hearing valuable, new advice when people trivialized my infertility by said things like, “Just relax, it will happen!” And I wasted so much time with doctors who had no idea how to treat or even diagnose my PCOS.
And yet as I’m sitting here reflecting on the path we’ve taken since losing our firstborn, I can see so clearly how each failure has been the catalyst for progress every single time.
When we hit the one year mark of trying again without success, I finally felt defeated enough to call a fertility clinic and set up a consult. That appointment led to me feeling overwhelmed with a sense of failure. I was so frustrated that I couldn’t seem to accomplish the thing my body was anatomically equipped to do. I was feeling close to rock bottom, and ended up joining a call-in support group for loss moms that week. It was during that meeting that another mom told me about CNY Fertility. I remember her saying, “I wish you could go there. They are amazing.” And that led to me finding CNY on Facebook and following their page, though I wasn’t really sure why.
From there, I moved forward with my clinic here in Texas, and did our first round of IUI. When it failed I was absolutely devastated, but we poured that energy right into a second round of IUI. I just knew it would work this time, even though I wasn’t responding really well to my medications, my body did do the bare minimum and started feeling like we had a real shot. Then that cycle failed.
Our doctor talked about IVF or said we could try another IUI with stronger medication, but that would cost us $3k. It was better than the $15k price tag on IVF, but the success rate was so low, we felt really hopeless. We were so torn on what to do next, or if we could even afford to keep going.
The next day, I was scrolling through Facebook, and I saw a post from CNY Fertility (because I had liked their page two months before) about an IVF giveaway they were doing. I thought how wonderful it would be to win, but kept scrolling, knowing we would never be that lucky. As I was getting ready to head to another appointment with my local fertility clinic that morning, something kept nagging at me to at least give it a shot. So I entered the giveaway, and so many of you nominated us.
And then we won. I felt like it was the first real progress that we had experienced in two years.
But that wasn’t really true.
This broken road is what was leading us to that moment. This scary, rocky, emotional journey is what is leading us to our next baby. Even in my darkest moments, as despair gripped my heart, Jesus was working. Even when I didn’t believe He was listening, and was deeply struggling to trust Him. He’s been tending to my heart, just as a farmer prepares his crops for harvest. My prayers were seeds being buried in soil, and while I only saw darkness in that place, He saw so much more.
Although I still have so many fears about walking into the unknown, and putting my heart on the line once more, I know that my heart is currently being held by the same hands that will soon knit our baby in my womb.