Wishing I could visit her today.
Nothing about this is fair. Of course, if I had it my way, Aria would be in my arms right now. But I will admit, there are a lot of times when reality sets in and makes things feel even more unfair.
I’ve mentioned before that Aria was not buried where we currently live. Due to my husband’s job, we move often and have no idea where we will end up. So we chose to bury her in a cemetery a thousand miles away, in our hometown, so she would be close to her grandparents. It’s also a place we know we’ll visit many times throughout the years, so it seemed like the best option for our family.
It isn’t easy being so far away from our daughter’s final resting place. On the hard days, I feel a voice urging me to go to her, but it’s impossible for me to just drive over real quick. That often feels like salt is being poured in my wounds. Instead, I usually sit in her nursery as it does help me feel closer to her, but it just isn’t the same. Now, I am also dealing with the reality that we will be moving soon. Her room will have to be taken apart and packed into boxes, never to be seen again. I’m not really sure what I’ll do then.
As much as I know I still carry Aria in my heart, I crave being next to that beautiful, perfect physical body of hers. I want to touch the ground above her, and know I’m as close as possible to those soft cheeks as I can possibly be on this earth. I want to lay next to her, and tell her all about the life we’re living.
As I think about all the days that have passed since the last time I was able to visit her grave, I just pray she understands why her Mom hasn’t stopped by in a while. I hate the thought of her grave being lonely. I would be there every single day if I could. Now, it is looking more and more like we won’t be able to visit on her first birthday, and that breaks my heart. There is so much guilt that comes with all of this. I think all parents can probably relate to that, I just want to do everything for my little girl.
As a Christian, I know she isn’t truly there, as her spirit is constantly watching over us from heaven. I know she is with me wherever I go, and we have received proof of that in beautiful ways. But those tiny feet and hands made a big imprint on my heart, and I just wasn’t ready to let go of them yet.
I’ll stop by again soon my love, just not soon enough.